Friday, April 28, 2006

A dilemma..

Decisions involving people you love are always the hardest to make. I'm having trouble with such a decision myself right now.

I've written something about someone I love, something personal. Not about how I feel about this person so much, but about an illness that has changed my life, his life, our relationship, my view of the world, of life and death. I've never written anything this difficult, I broke down twice during the writing, but it was cathartic. And it was written from very deep within me.

I shared the piece with a few people, including a professor -- a professor who thinks it's publishable material. But...I haven't shared it with this person I love. And I'm not sure I want to. Not because it says anything intentionally hurtful. But because it unearths some uncomfortable truths about how this illness and its treatment has made me feel (although it does end on a positive note). And I'm...almost scared about how he'll react. And yet.. I can't even begin to think about publishing without telling him..showing him...first.

But is it worth it? Is it worth maybe upsetting him and making things between us worse? Or is it worth taking the chance to see if a view into my heart will help him understand me better? And most of all, is all of it worth it to see my work acknowledged? I know this is a piece I can be proud of... one of the few that I don't feel tentative about (all writers have self-doubt otherwise). Or is it worth keeping it private because publishing could feel like an invasion?

Sigh, I don't know yet what I'm going to do. But, a word of advice: don't ever write anything really personal if you care about people's feelings. It's a very awkward position to be in.


At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if it will help to know that you're not alone in this situation. Writers -- especially women writers -- have often mentioned conflicting thoughts and feelings about writing that draws on painful personal experiences. One writer's comment is particularly vivid: "Love is a form of censorship."

At 10:25 AM, Blogger rai.karan said...

i wouldnt publish it untill the person had seen it, and was okay with me publishing it. but then i wouldnt show it to the person either. i know that i can act a certain way and the person will be fine. they wont know how i really feel. but i think that if i were to tell the person, it would just confuse them. and they wouldn't know what to do. not knowing that i just wanted to tell them, didnt really expect them to do anything.

At 11:46 PM, Blogger rhea said...

thank you both for the advice.. i think i'm going to sleep on it for a little bit since there isn't an immediacy attached to the piece.. maybe things will be clearer soon..


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